Meet the World

One night I had a conversation with myself. I was lying there in the dark in my room, thinking about the future (as I usually am), and I thought, "I think I'm afraid of the world."

So I asked myself, "What are you going to do about it?"

I am going out to meet the world head on. No more flinching or hesitating or avoiding. I am going to (as Nike says) just do it. I am going to be unflinchingly honest and stop caring what people/colleges/employers think of me as a person. If they don't like my views, too bad for them.

I think perfectionism (and procrastination as well) is a shield. You go around pretending that you're not getting anything done because "it isn't ready yet" or "it's not perfect yet". I say, no cigar. Sugar. Bueno. Whatever. No whatever.

There's no right way to get through life, so does it really matter which way you go about it?  So what if you fail? You have to fail a lot before you ever succeed, and since you learn from failures, the more you fail, the smarter you get.

This all sounds great, but the truth is it's hard to remember when I'm actually out there.

Another Snare

Sometimes, late at night, I like to visit here and read my old posts. Some of the things I wrote about myself have changed, and I smile at the things I used to like. Other posts make me remember pieces of myself that I had forgotten. I have wise moments, sometimes, and some of them are recorded here.

Some important ones I wish I could remember:
-I need to worry less, decensor myself more, and live more freely
-I don't have a "soul"
-I don't believe in love, and I don't mind not believing in love
-All thing deteriorate over time.
-Destruction is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it means the start of something new.

I should remember these, but I'm caught in a spiral. It's a spiral of traps. See, I had hopes of living more freely once I moved away from my parents, but now I'm going to college 15 minutes away from my grandparents. Everyday I don't have school I spend at my grandparents. They're even worse than my parents. My grandmother is more conservative, more opinionated, more anti-gay, and just MORE. I'm regressing and I don't know how I ended up like this. Or how I get out.

I'm thinking of transferring to another college, either where Leanne goes or Hayley. My friends. My wonderful, liberal, open-minded, and ACCEPTING friends. I miss their wisdom and their humor.

All We Know

The earth pulses with life. Everyday people wake up, go to school or work, come home, go to bed, repeat...and yet we go on. Why? Is it because we hope that someday something will change, get better? Some misguided knowledge of adventure?

Everyday our eyes open like they never have before. The pupils dilate at the new light, light which is fresh and has not yet shone. As though each day were new. But can we really live that way? Can we really live as if we were a new person after each dawn?

Somehow our hearts keep beating, our lungs pulse in and out, in and out, sucking in the air to keep us alive. Our thoughts keep flowing, changing. But we ourselves are not the change, are we? Can we be changlings?

People; their eyes meet, flicker away, never to be seen or known again. Hands clasp in friendship, ghosts of ourselves who smile at the other reflections that breathe but do not live. The misty vapors of ourselves when we do not show our hearts.

So much is gained and lost everyday...and still never ceasing. We go on.

Someday I will understand everything.