Crazy Things

My, my. The things I write at 2:30 in the morning. I churned out this after reading the first few chapters of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance saturday night.

"So. Say I'm crazy. Say we're all difference kinds of crazy, and "normal" is merely the reigning madness. What does that mean for us?
"What kind of person am I? What's my crazy?
"I'm always going to be questioning, looking at the world through an unusual ontological lens. I will always be searching for myself, and my curse is that I will never find myself. And in the spirit of searching, I will always be challenging other people, poking holes in the way they see things, in who they are.
"How do other people see their own existences? Do you think they recognize the crazy, or do they catalogue everything into a mental system to keep themselves comfortable? They've got so much one-size-fits-all slang so they don't have to look too closely at anything; they can just slap a label on it and laugh. And they blink, like Nietzsche's last men. They have no focus.
"What is meaning to them? What is life or identity, or even intelligence? They think with cheap copies of ideas, mistaking them for reality. Nobody questions.
"What place does "crazy" have in this madness?"

Tarot Reading 22 January 2012

The Tower: a sudden realization, a rude awakening, sudden and uncomfortable disclosure of truth
Five of Swords: a conflict, possibly spiritual
The Stars: an aquarian card that looks to the future; hope and healing, the reassurance that there are resources to help you

Otaku Wench?

I've always been a fantasy/sci-fi fan; anime was just too weird, and I never looked too far in to it. But one night while my sister was cruising the netflix instant plays, Howl's Moving Castle appeared. I don't know why she picked it. She thinks anime is even weirder than I do. When I told her she had to try watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, she was suspicious of it because it was an animated tv show, and she thought it would be anime. Why would she willingly choose to watch a movie that I told her was anime? I don't know.

But she did. And I watched it with her, and I loved it.

My god. What is this black sorcery?! Why is this so addictive?! I've now watched Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle, and My Neighbor Totoro. I loved all of them, except the first one, which I merely liked. Next I'm thinking of watching Princess Mononoke.

Oh my gawd. Have I secretly been a closet anime fan my whole life and never known about it? Has this urge to watch anime continuously been lurking in the dungeons of my heart all this time? What's going on with me?! I'm not supposed to like this stuff! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah....

It's always weird when you discover that you like something that you've never tried before, and it changes your perception of yourself. I mean, I'd just gotten used to being an Avatar fan. I feel like my tough girl persona is slipping away from me. No, don't go, tough girl! I need you! Without you, I'll start feeling those goddamn emotions. :/

Of PC Games, and More Ways I am a Nerd

I think I started playing Age of Mythology when my mother bought for me during my homeschool years, in order to help me learn about the ancient cultures (or more accurately, to help me be more enthusiastic about learning). The help in learning about mythology was really unnecessary for me, but I loved the game. I used to spend hours playing it. My dad even bought me the expansion - The Titans. My favorite civilization is the Atlanteans, but before the expansion pack, it was the Greeks. The Greeks have the easiest time gaining favor. The Norseman have such a hard time of pleasing their gods, I almost never play as them. Of course, as the Atlanteans, I love that I never have to build drop sites.

Lately I've also spent a lot of time researching mythology - dragon mythology. I'm planning my second tattoo (so soon, and I haven't even got the first one yet, I know), and I can't decide what type of dragon I want. I was thinking a wyvern, wings hunches around it's long, stretched-out body, head reared, in a tribal-reminiscent pattern, and then later I could add a tribal armband around near the wings. I want my mother (she's an artist) to design it for me, but I don't think she will. She told me she would when I asked her. I was surprised that she agreed so readily, but then when she didn't do anything, I grew suspicious and asked her when she would do it. She said "I don't know." When I probed further, she did admit that she would not do it before I move away to college. Basically, that's her way of stalling me. She doesn't want me to get any tattoos, and she certainly doesn't want to design any of them for me.

Another Snare

Sometimes, late at night, I like to visit here and read my old posts. Some of the things I wrote about myself have changed, and I smile at the things I used to like. Other posts make me remember pieces of myself that I had forgotten. I have wise moments, sometimes, and some of them are recorded here.

Some important ones I wish I could remember:
-I need to worry less, decensor myself more, and live more freely
-I don't have a "soul"
-I don't believe in love, and I don't mind not believing in love
-All thing deteriorate over time.
-Destruction is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it means the start of something new.

I should remember these, but I'm caught in a spiral. It's a spiral of traps. See, I had hopes of living more freely once I moved away from my parents, but now I'm going to college 15 minutes away from my grandparents. Everyday I don't have school I spend at my grandparents. They're even worse than my parents. My grandmother is more conservative, more opinionated, more anti-gay, and just MORE. I'm regressing and I don't know how I ended up like this. Or how I get out.

I'm thinking of transferring to another college, either where Leanne goes or Hayley. My friends. My wonderful, liberal, open-minded, and ACCEPTING friends. I miss their wisdom and their humor.

Tattoo Update

I was looking back over old posts, and I realized I haven't blogged about my tattoo plans for a while. Since then, my plans have become a little more concrete, so I thought I'd go over them again.

First of all, I wrote that I wanted to end up with a tribal piece on one upper arm and kanji on the other. I've decided against the kanji - I've read too much about people who were tattooed with words that didn't mean what they thought they meant, and I certainly don't read Japanese myself. I told myself I would get kanji if I could learn to read Japanese, but I don't think that's going to happen. Instead, I came up with another beautiful design: a thin tribal spiral, reminiscent of DNA, surrounded by a wider spiral and swirling dots, meant to be cosmically reminiscent, and butterflies fluttering around the whole thing, to represent metamorphosis, fragility, and the cycle of life. Altogether, the whole thing symbolizes the unity of the universe for me. I've been working on the design for months, perfecting it, and I've picked the left arm for it.

On the other arm, I have indeed decided on a tribal piece, as I wrote before; but more specifically, on a tribal wyvern that I want my mother to design. I don't know if I can get her to do it. A wyvern is a cousin of the dragon; dragons have four legs and two wings, wyverns have two legs, and their wings are clawed and derived from their forelimbs (like the wings of bats are). I chose a wyvern partly because I like their shape more for a tattoo, and partly because my dad always liked to say his sign was the dragon, and I sort of think of him like that. I guess I think that would make me a wyvern somehow. Both creatures represent strength, ferocity, independence, and cunning. This tattoo will be on my upper right arm.

The symbolism of these two arm tattoos must seem to be somewhat at odds, but the way I see it, the former is endowed with feminine energy and the latter with masculine energy, so I think they balance each other out perfectly in a yin-yang way. I've even chosen which arms they go on with this system; I associate the left side with a more creative path and the right with a more analytical one. They do say that left-handed people are supposed to be more creative, and right-handed ones more analytical.

On my back, I am still planning wings with the phrase "contra mundum". Before, I wrote that I wanted "abstract" wings; I'm not sure what I meant by abstract, but probably not what I want anymore. I'm not entirely sure what kind of wings I want, but I'm thinking I want fey-esque wings, tri-sectioned, laying at rest, black, somewhat ragged, with skulls subtly blended in as pale spots. I thought I was unsure, but after typing all that detail, it just became apparent to me that I'm pretty sure what I want. Anywhoodle. I want fey wings because they are neutral - they do not represent either good or evil, as almost any other type of wing does. I want them tri-sectioned because traditionally three pairs of wings represent glory, honor, and dignity (and I also don't want to look too much like a butterfly). The raggedness and subtle skulls are to counteract the "sweetness" of the fey wings, because things that seem sweet and innocent are not always so. Sometimes they are jaded and worn down, but strong. And I want them black just because I love black.

Onward, to the phrase "contra mundum". I'm going to have this phrase tattooed vertically down the back of my neck, downward until it meets the wings. It is Latin, meaning "against society" "against the world" or "against everybody". I've also seen "against all organized beliefs". I know it's not my native language, but I've decided I want it anyway. It's a simple phrase, and I've never heard of any confusion about its meaning, and all the sources I've found agree on its interpretation. I know it could be interpreted negatively - people might think I hate everybody - but to me it's always stood for a certain independence of thought. That's why I'm pairing it with the wings to represent my independent spirit and mental androgyny. I bring mental androgyny into this to tie it to the two previous tattoos and their meanings. I said that one was feminine and the other masculine, so it makes sense that the one in the middle would be neutral. The one in the middle is where the yin-yang occurs, the plan where the anima and the animus are perfectly balanced. All in all, the first tattoo is my body/heart, the second one is my mind, and the third one is my spirit.

As you can see, I've put a lot of thought into this, and there's a complete system of personal symbolism involved in these tattoos, and if I ever make any changes in my plans, I will definitely incorporate more symbolism.

Soren's Speech

I love Star Trek. I've probably said this before; I don't really remember, but right now it's not important. I love it because the characters are good people and funny characters who get along like a family, it's a dependable show (I don't mind predictability), and weird stuff happens. It's also got a message - not an obvious message. Most episodes are simply stories, but quite a few of them have morals or are metaphors.

I just watched one that addressed an issue that is very important to me, and I wish to everyone else as well. It's in season five, and the title of the episode is "The Outcast". Here's the story: Riker is working with a member of an androgynous race (I'll call it a "she") called Soren. She is very curious about genders, and eventually reveals that she prefers to identify as female and is attracted to Riker, but there's a problem: Among her people, the idea of gender is considered wrong. This is because her race used to have genders, but they evolved out of it. Still, sometimes there are people in her race who are born preferring one of the genders. They have to hide this preferrence all their lives, because if they are discovered, they are taken away and given treatments. During the episode, Soren is discovered and put on trial. Riker tries to save her by claiming he was the one attracted to her, but Soren tells the counsel the truth. Then she delivers a moving dialogue. I love it. It's obviously a metaphor for being gay/bi/transgender/different in any way. Here it is:

"I am tired of lies.
"I am female.
"I was born that way. I have had those feelings, those longings, all of my life. It is not unnatural. I am not sick because I feel this way. I do not need to be helped. I do not need to be cured. What I need, and what all of those who are like me need, is your understanding and your compassion.
"We have not injured you in any way, and yet we are scorned and attacked, and all because we are different. What we do is no different from what you do. We talk and laugh, we complain about work, and we wonder about growing old. We talk about our families and we worry about the future. And we cry with each other when things seem hopeless. All of the loving things that you do with each other - that is what we do. And for that we are called misfits and deviants and criminals! What right do you have to punish us? What right do you have to change us? What makes you think you can dictate how people love each other?"

I strongly suggest you watch the episode, if not just for the message, then to find out what happened afterwards.